


moment of clarity

by skrsgards



Series: Bill Skargård Works [7]
Category: Bill Skarsgard - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 08:17:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16677940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skrsgards/pseuds/skrsgards
Summary: in which all he wants to do is put you back together again





	moment of clarity

It was a glorious winter morning.

The cool air bit into your skin the moment you stepped out onto the open porch that connected to the cozy cabin you’d been tucked into for the night. The sun had barely begun to rise, leaving the sky an odd pinkish blue hue. 

Your breath came out before you in white plumes, curling into the air and disappearing thereafter. You leaned up against the sturdy wood railing, gazing upon the beautiful landscape. 

It was all like something out of a story book, really. A romantic tale of a boy and a girl, so much in love, leading a life safe and warm in their quaint little cottage, living within their means. But the truth was, this was no fairytale, and you were not in love.

At least, that’s what you kept telling yourself. 

You were not together for love. In fact, you weren’t together at all. You didn’t often like to think about it, for it only gave you a headache and left a certain bad taste in your mouth. 

You’d met Bill months ago. Both of you had not been in a very good place during that time. He was nursing the wounds from his previous relationship. It hadn’t ended well, and he was truly fucked up from it. You, on the other hand, had just had similar wounds reopened. 

In an attempt to numb the ache, you’d taken to each other, ending up in bed together after a party one night. It should have only been a one night stand, but an addiction had begun to form, and you ran to one another night after night, ending up between the sheets dozens of times. For those few short hours spent together, you could feel again. 

Bill lit you on fire, and the burn was so delicious, you could not get enough. You craved it, you lived for it. And so did he. The amount of passion and intensity he experienced with you was unlike anything he’d ever felt in his life. What started as an unbridled lust turned into so much more, and after nearly three months of sleeping together, Bill found himself developing feelings for you. 

But you’d told him in the beginning that feelings weren’t meant to be caught, that you couldn’t deal with another relationship, and if feelings came into play, you would immediately walk away so they couldn’t manifest deeper. So, for fear of losing you, Bill kept his feelings to himself. You were the only thing that made him feel whole, how could he lose you?

You continued on just like you always had. Pretending you were just friends during the day, all while fucking the hell out of each other after hours. This went on for quite some time. Months, even. And then, all at once, things came to a halt.

Bill had to leave, telling you he was going to be filming a new movie and that it required him to leave the states for a time, spending his days up in Canada. You thought you’d be okay. After all, you weren’t in a relationship. Nothing was tying him down, he was free to come and go as he pleased. 

But those months that he was away proved to be the hardest few months you’d had to go through. You slept with others in attempt to fill the void you felt, had several one night stands. But none of them could ever measure up to him. The way he knew your body so well, knew when to be rough, when to be gentle, what to do to ruin you. 

When he finally did come back, you engaged in the most intense, mind numbing sex you’d ever experienced in your life. And that night, while you lay in bed, covers draped over your figures as you shared a cigarette, he made a proposition to you. 

“Let’s go somewhere,” he said.

“What do you mean?” Came your inquiry.

“There’s a cottage,” he continued, “in Sweden. It belongs to my family. We don’t use it as much as we used to, so no one’s there right now. I don’t have anything going on for the next few weeks…we could stay there for a while, get away from all this craziness.”

You looked up at him from where your head rested on his naked chest. “I don’t know…” 

“It’s not like we’re moving in together,” he continued, “it’s just a little getaway. Something we both need. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how exhausted you look.”

He was right, after all. You hadn’t slept well while he was away. And the thought of a little break from everyday life seemed rather appealing. So, after stealing the cigarette from his lips and taking a drag, you nodded. “Sure, why not? When do we leave?”

“I’ll take care of plane tickets. Let’s say two days from now?”

You returned the cigarette to his mouth. “Sounds good.” 

And so, it was settled. 

Two days later, you were cozy and warm inside a rental car, the radio playing softly as Bill drove the long, winding road. It was late winter, and there was day old snow covering the ground, sticking to the tree branches of the woods that lined either side of the road. 

When you arrived at the cottage, it looked a lot like something out of a Thomas Kinkade painting. Bill turned to you, rifling through the keys on his key chain before presenting one to you. “Here,” he stated, “unlock the house, I’ll get out stuff out of the trunk.”

You obliged, climbing out of the car and scurrying up the broad, wooden steps. You stopped at the heavy oak door, sliding the key into the lock and turning it with a satisfying click. 

You were met with a quaint looking inside. A large living room with comfortable furniture, a stone fireplace, an open kitchen off to the side with a long table right down the middle of the room and chairs lined on either side. 

You shuddered at the draft running through the house when you stepped in, tugging your coat closer to your body. Bill came up behind you, bags held in his hands. “Bedroom is this way,” he told you, nodding his head in the direction of the large staircase that branched off from the living room. 

You quietly followed after him, letting him lead you up the stairs. “We don’t have to sleep in the same room,” he said, though you both knew you’d end up in the same bed more often than not. 

Nonetheless, you put your bags in a separate bedroom, meeting Bill back in the hallway. His rosy lips curled into that of a smile, and he offered his arm to you. You took it with ease, letting him tug you towards the stairs. 

“We’re gonna have to do some cleaning,” he mused, “the house hasn’t been used in a while so it needs a good cleaning.”

And so the day commenced, the two of you cleaning the house from top to bottom, keeping one another good company. Bill had dug out a record player that had been stowed away in the closet, placing a vinyl of Talking Heads under the needle. 

You were comfortable with one another, as if you were two friends having a good time. But Bill couldn’t help the glances he sent your way when you weren’t looking. He was falling in love with you. 

The way you sang along softly to the words of each song, swaying your hips slightly in rhythm with the music. You were busy dusting the fireplace mantle, standing on your tiptoes, your shirt riding up to expose a sliver of your tummy. 

Bill’s chest was aching, a sudden image of you bustling around the home you owned together, happy and content, flashing in his mind. Oh, he was certainly in deep, already thinking about how things would be if he were to spend the rest of his life with you. 

In the beginning of this all, he never could have imagined how far this would go, how greatly you would affect him. He’d been the worst version of himself at that time. Hurt and betrayed by his previous lover, the woman he’d been with for two years, the woman he’d given everything to, only to have her throw it right back into his face. 

He’d wanted to marry her, even bought a ring. But she’d blindsided him, one day telling him that she’d fallen out of love with him and wanted to move on with her life. He later found out that she’d left him for someone else, and it absolutely crushed him. 

He was on a downwards spiral when he met you, and in his state of bitterness and spite, he slept with you. It was his unhealthy way of getting back at the woman who’d broken him. But after that night, he found that he wanted more. 

For a while, it was something to ease the pain, like a drug prescribed. He kept coming back for more, spending most of his nights in your bed, wrapped around your body. You made him feel whole, you quelled the emptiness in his bones.

How could he not fall for you? 

And now here he was, staring at you with eyes so full of adoration. He had to look away then, pushing those thoughts out of his head. What good were they if he couldn’t express them to you? 

Instead, he carried on with the day, enjoying your company. Later in the afternoon, he drove you to the nearest town, and you bought some groceries to last you several days, especially if you ended up getting snowed in. 

Upon arriving back to the cottage, a simple dinner of pasta was made, paired with glassfuls of wine and a roaring fire burning in the fireplace. Warm and half drunk, you fucked on the floor atop fur rugs, slow and deep, with Bill covering you with his entire body, making you feel safe and protected from the rest of the world. 

By the time you were finished, you barely made it up to the couch before falling into a deep, dreamless sleep. And that’s what brought you to the present moment, during the dawn of the next day, standing on the grand front porch attached to the cottage and taking in your surroundings. 

Bill was still sound asleep last time you checked, passed out on the couch with the blankets strewn across his bare body. You’d snagged his shirt from the floor, pulling it on along with your own pants, draping a heavy blanket over yourself before stepping outside. 

You relished in the alone time, clearing your head and gaining your bearings. Yesterday had been quite the day. You’d spent more time around Bill than you were used to, and you were overwhelmed. 

It wasn’t that he made you uncomfortable. Oh no, far from it. In fact, he made you feel safe. He made you feel wonderful. And that was what scared you. You had not felt this way for a long time. 

Your last relationship had not been a good one. Nor had almost every relationship you’d ever been in. You’d long since convinced yourself that you just did not have good luck when it came to relationships, and therefore were not meant to be in one. 

But Bill was causing you to reconsider that, and you didn’t know how to feel about it. In the months that you’d known him, you had gotten the impression that he was a genuinely good person, someone who could take care of you and treat you properly if you let him. 

You still had that nagging fear that if you let him in, you would end up hurt and alone again. And you weren’t sure you could handle that anymore. But all too soon, your deep thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the front door coming open. 

You turned, finding Bill standing in the doorway, two cups of coffee in hand. He’d slipped into clean clothes, sweatpants and a waffle knit shirt. He stood there with a broad smile on his face, holding a mug of coffee out to you.

Returning the smile, you stepped towards him, taking the cup from him. “Come inside,” he said, “it’s freezing out here.”

“It’s not so bad,” you said. 

“Just get in here,” he continued. “I’ll make French toast.”

You followed him anyway, stepping back into the warm house. “Bribing me with food I see.”

“Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”

You shrugged. “I can’t say no to French toast.” You took a seat at the island while Bill sauntered into the kitchen. He set his coffee down before he began rifling through cupboards, in search of ingredients.

“Let’s see…where’d you put the cinnamon we bought?” He questioned. 

“The spice drawer next to the sink.”

He turned, pulling open the drawer to find that it was indeed there. “Thanks,” he murmured. 

Silence fell over the room then, and you watched him move about, throwing together ingredients with ease, knowing the recipe by heart. He looked so beautiful and carefree, comfortable in his own surroundings. And in your sleepy state, your mind began to drift, thinking of how he’d be if you were really in a relationship. 

“Where’s your pretty head at?” Bill asked after several moments passed and he’d found you staring off into space. 

“My pretty head is thinking about how hungry I am.”

Bill smirked at that. “Get some plates out of the cupboard then.”

Happily, you stood, flouncing over to the cupboard that contained all the dishes. You retrieved two plates, placing them on the counter before taking out two glasses and putting them beside each setting. For Bill, you poured some milk, and for yourself, you poured orange juice. 

“Step aside, love,” he spoke up, a pan of toast in hand. You moved out of his way, letting him serve breakfast while you took a seat again. He placed a bottle of syrup down before sitting beside you, and thus began your leisurely breakfast. 

“I was thinking,” Bill stated after swallowing a sip of black coffee, “we could go on a hike after we eat. I used to hike these woods with my brothers when I was little. I think I remember some of the ways we used to take, though I’m betting a lot of it is overgrown by now.”

“I’m up for an adventure,” was your reply. 

Bill grinned. “Good. Make sure you layer up so you don’t freeze.”

You returned the smile. “You bet I will.”

As the morning carried on, and the sun began to illuminate the sky, you finished breakfast, taking time to clean up the kitchen together before you went your separate ways to change. You bundled yourself up from head to toe, looking rather like a marshmallow than a human. 

When you made your way to the front entryway, Bill paused to laugh at you, at which you pouted. “You told me to layer up!” You protested, almost falling over yourself as you attempted to put on your boots. 

“Hey, I didn’t say anything,” he spoke, holding his hands up in defense. 

“But you were thinking it.” You jabbed a finer in his direction, squinting at him in mock suspicion. 

He shook his head. “Come on, let’s go.”

So, off you went, trekking through the snow. A fresh blanket had been laid the night before, and everything was pristine and bright, snow mounds just begging to be jumped in. You followed Bill like an eager child, taking in your surroundings with wide eyes as you ventured into the woods. 

From then on out, it was like Bill was a kid again, telling you animated stories from when he was younger, eyes wide with laughter and nostalgia. He had you laughing along with him, feeling at ease. 

For a few hours, you forgot about your problems. You let yourself relax, enjoying the company of one fascinating man. You went on for several miles, across snow and ice, having the time of your life. 

“Look,” Bill finally said, stopping you in your tracks and causing you to slam right into him. You looked up at him in annoyance, but he was pointing in front of you. So, you turned your head, catching sight of a beautiful river that sliced through the land. 

There were trees dotting its shore, and right between them were a family of dear. A mama and her two fawns. Your lips curled into a smile as you gazed upon the sight. Bill looked down at you, noticing the look on your face. You looked rather adorable, he had to admit, face half buried into the collar of your coat, grinning as you watched the delicate animals.

There it was again, that overwhelming feeling, that painful reminding that he was indeed falling in love with you. No, not falling. He was in love with you, plain and simple. And that’s when everything happened all at once. 

The words came from his mouth before he could stop them. “I’m so in love with you.”

You heard him. Loud and clear, in fact. But instead of replying, you stood there in silence, tensing beneath all the layers of clothing. Bill sucked in a breath, and he turned towards you then. “I know you heard me.”

You looked down at the ground then, finding your shoes very interesting at that moment. “Yeah, I heard you. I’m not deaf.”

“Then say something.”

“What am I supposed to say?”

“I don’t know. Maybe say it back? Or tell me how you actually feel?”

“You know how I feel, Bill.”

“Actually, no. I don’t. Why don’t you enlighten me.” His voice had taken a sudden sharp tone, and you winced, slowly turning to face him. 

“In the beginning, I told you I don’t do relationships.”

“But we’re as good as in one right now. Taking a vacation together, doing things that couples do like making dinner together and going grocery shopping.”

“We aren’t in a relationship. We’re friends with benefits, and nothing more. And don’t tell me you love me, because you don’t.”

Bill’s eyes widened then, and his mouth came open. “You…you’re telling me how to feel?! I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that you could just decide my feelings for me.”

“Anyone who’s ever told me that has ended up leaving in the end. Who’s to say you won’t be any different?”

“I’d never hurt-”

You held a hand up. “Save it. I’ve heard it a thousand time before. ‘I’d never hurt you!’. Bull fucking shit.”

Bill waved his hands in exasperation. “Have I ever given you a reason to believe that I would ever do that to you?”

No, he hadn’t. “Bill…I just can’t handle another relationship. Not after all I’ve been through. I…I don’t have anymore of my heart to give. All the pieces have been given away.”

A look of hurt washed over his face, and you felt a little guilty. “Please.” His voice was soft, uncertain, “I never thought I’d be able to love anyone again. But then you came along, and you made me feel whole again. I want to be with you, to try and make this work. If you give me your heart, I promise I will be able to put it back together.”

You shook your head at him. “No. I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. I’m not ready, and I don’t think I’ll ever be.” You turned away, readying yourself to begin the journey back to the cottage. 

“That’s it? You aren’t going to give me a chance?”

“I said I was sorry.”

Sighing, Bill rushed after you. “But-”

“I want to go home,” was what you finally said, quickening your pace. “I can’t stay here anymore.”

Bill paused for a split second before dashing to catch up. “Wait!” He exclaimed. But all in an instant, he lost his balance, feet slipping out from under him. Suddenly, there was the sound of splashing, and a strangled gasp. 

You whirled around, only to find that Bill had slipped and fallen down the incline that lead into the river, plunging him right into the freezing water. “Oh my goodness!” You breathed, immediately hurrying to help him. 

You reached for his arm, helping him stand from the water, his clothing now soaked through. You looked up at him, eyes filled with concern. “Are you alright?” 

He was already beginning to shiver, face stricken. “H-holy shit,” was what he managed to get out. 

It was then that you put your upset aside, tucking it away in a compartment of your brain as you wrapped an arm around his waist. “Come on, let’s get you back home. You’re going to catch pneumonia.”

How unfortunate for you both that the cottage was nearly four miles away. But the trip had to be made, otherwise Bill would surely freeze. He shivered the whole way, teeth chattering as he clutched onto you, body wracked with extreme cold. 

His clothes were wet, and he could feel his skin ache beneath them, joints stiff from the chill. He could barely feel his fingers or toes, which only worsened the longer he went. You were determined to get back to the cottage as quickly as possible, dragging Bill along. 

By the time you did get there, you began rushing about like a mother hen, pushing him into the house and immediately instructing him to strip out of his wet clothes while you ran to stoke the dying fire. 

Bill did as he was told, carefully removing all his clothing at the door. You came scurrying up to him, taking his large hand in your own, leading him over to the living room. “Sit,” you instructed. 

He lowered himself to the couch, and the moment he did so, you were wrapping him in blankets, tucking him tightly in a cocoon of fabric, leaving only his face exposed. He was still shivering violently, skin ashen. You gazed at him with concern for a moment before speaking. 

“Just stay here. I’ll make some tea.” You stood from the floor, rushing away to start the tea kettle. 

Minutes later, you were back with a hot cup of peppermint tea, sweetened with honey, caged between your fingers. Promptly you handed it to Bill, and he accepted it gratefully, drinking it slowly and savoring the warmth. 

You sat beside him, wrapping a protective arm around his hunched shoulders. You felt absolutely terrible, and only wanted to make it better. For several minutes, the living room was silent, save for the sound of the fire crackling and the noise that came from the chattering of Bill’s teeth. 

Once he’d finished the tea, he leaned back against the couch, looking absolutely miserable, still shivering just as terribly as he had when he’d first come into the house. 

“Do you have a hot water bottle anywhere?” You asked. 

“D-don’t know.”

With a sigh, you stood, embarking on a search for a hot water bottle. But as time passed, your search proved to be in vain, and you turned up empty handed. You looked at Bill where he sat curled up on the couch, desperately trying to find warmth. 

That’s when an idea struck you.

Without a word, you rounded the couch, taking a seat beside Bill. Without so much as a warning, you began removing your clothes. Bill looked at you in confusion. “What are you…?”

“I’m warming you up,” you simply said, reaching for his blankets once you were completely naked. You parted the fabric, sliding closer so that you were against him. You snuggled into his chest, wrapping the blankets around the both of you.

Bill didn’t protest to your method. He opted to place his arms around you, holding you to his chest. You stayed like that for a long while, sharing body heat. You let your head rest just above his heart, listening to the calming rhythm as his body finally began to relax. 

You rocked back and forth together, bodies now entangled. And after nearly ten minutes had passed, Bill’s shivering had slowed almost completely. By that time, you were simply enjoying the feeling of your bare skin against his. You ran your hands over his chest, fingers tracing circles across the skin. 

The touch was so comforting that Bill found himself growing drowsy, though that was soon forgotten when you began speaking. “Bill…I’m sorry,” you whispered. 

He hesitated a moment before gazing down at you. He forced a smile. “It’s alright.”

“No, it’s not. I overreacted.”

“So did I.”

You leaned back a little, looking right into his eyes. “I don’t know how to handle you.”

His hand came up to touch the side of your face. “How so?”

“You’re so kind, so good to me. Gentle, understanding, patient. No one has ever treated me this way. I don’t know how to deal with it.”

He smiled sadly. “Sweetheart, you deserve to be treated this way. You deserve to be loved and cherished.”

“I’ve never been cherished.”

“I could cherish you, if you’d let me. I just want to show you how a real, loving relationship can be. I’m going to look you in the eyes right now and tell you that my intentions are not to hurt you. I’d sooner put myself through hell then break your heart. And I mean that.”

You placed a hand over the one he held against your face. You could see the sincerity in his eyes, and it caused tears to well up in your own. “I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“Of this. I cannot get hurt again. My heart can’t handle it. I want to be with you, but…I don’t know if I can give all of myself to you.”

“We can take it slow,” he murmured, “we don’t have to jump into it all right away. I’d never make you do something you didn’t want to.”

“I know that, I do.”

“Then give me a chance. Let me show you how much I love you, how right I can treat you. I want to make this work, I want to put you back together again. And I will do absolutely everything in my power to protect you.”

By then, you really were crying. Oh, how you wanted to give him a chance. You wanted to give in to your feelings for him. How wonderful it would be to be able to stop suppressing them. He deserved a chance.

Taking in a breath, you looked into his big, sleepy eyes. They were filled with hope and tenderness, and something else. Love. That’s when you leaned forward, pressing your lips to his, stealing a delicate kiss. 

And it was then that you were met with a moment of clarity, a sudden, overwhelming peace washing over you. This was right, this was good. Bill was offering himself to you, promising to love and cherish you. And somehow, you knew that that was exactly what he was going to do. 

When the kiss was broken, you rested your forehead against his, breathing deeply. You were trembling all over, eyes falling shut before you looked at him yet again. And when your eyes met, he knew that you had reached a decision. 

That’s when you uttered the words that would change everything. “Bill?”

“Yes, my sweet?”

“Make love to me.”

As he held your face in his hands, his eyes began to fill with tears as he nodded, knowing this was your way of saying you were willing to give this all a try. And that evening, while the fire burned bright in the fireplace, you made slow, sweet love. 

And little by little, your worn, tattered heart finally began to mend.


End file.
